I'm so Bored that I laughed at drunk people

"That post title sounds derogatory!"

If that's what you just thought, then welcome. I'm now going to laugh at you, too. If, on the other hand, you don't know what the sentence above means, then maybe this post was already directed at you in the first place...

This weekend, I have spent a lot of time working at the Italian Festival, a humongous event put on by my church, and the largest family-friendly event in this city. I have worked at this festival every summer since I was 12, and I'm still amazed at how many of the people at this "family" event are perpetually drunk. 

It's secretly run by Irish? Suddenly, everything makes sense...

Anyway, I should have known this weekend would be crazy when it started with a thunderstorm and a whole bunch of volunteers huddled under a pavilion to avoid the wind, rain and lightning.

For 2 and half hours, we were all underneath this, during a very windy thunderstorm.

The fun had just begun, though, because the drunk and otherwise ridiculous people had yet to arrive.

So, without further ado, here is my top ten list (it could be MUCH longer) of People Who Should Not Be Allowed To Drive, a.ka.:

You Know You're Drunk When:

10. You ask a stranger for a bologna sandwich

One night at the festival, a few years ago, my younger brother was directing traffic at the entrance to the parking lot, and he had a cooler of drinks sitting on the ground next to him. A very inebriated man walked up to him and asked "Hey, you got a bologna sandwich in there?"

When all his inhibtions were destroyed, all this man truly craved was a balogna sandwich...

9. You think Spanish and Italian are the same language

A man tonight walked in with his buddies, and he was speaking Spainglish ("Mi amigo es muy friendlyish"). One of his friends said, "That's Spanish, not Italian, stupid!" to which the man replied "It's basically the same." 

Yup, these look identical...

8. When you drop $20 worth of tickets on the ground.

I can only assume that the people who do this are completely wasted...

It totally grows on trees, right?

7. When you lose control of a golf cart

Ok, to be honest, these people most likely weren't drunk, although apparently they should not have been allowed to drive. Somebody lost control of a golf cart today, and it rolled down the sidewalk by itself and crashed into the front tires of an eighteen-wheeler parked by the curb.

To be even more honest, I crashed a golf cart once, but at least I was on it when it crashed...

No, the golf cart was not alive.

6. When you throw a tantrum because nobody will take you to Walmart

I admit it - I'm cheating again. This actually happened at a party at school and not at the Italian Festival, but it was too funny to not be included in this list.

I met a guy at a birthday party in my friend's suite. We will simply call the guy Walmart Guy. Well, Walmart Guy really wanted to go to Walmart, but nobody else could decide where they wanted to go, so they walked back into the back room to talk more rather than leaving.

Walmart Guy plopped himself down on the floor in the doorway and loudly declared, "I'm sitting here until someone agrees to go to Walmart with me!"

Once again, all his inhibitions gone, and THIS is what he wants...

Nobody would go with him, so I sat down to talk to him. He asked me my last name, and when I asked him his last name, he told me it was really hard to spell and started trying to count the letters in his last name before finally giving up.

5. When you walk right past the giant ticket booth without seeing it

This is a common mistake, but one mostly made by people who have been heavily pre-gaming the festival. They walk right past all the giant signs and past the giant ticket booth itself to the people checking bags and taking tickets. They then look completely startled when you inform them that the ticket booth is directly behind them.

No, I don't see the Eiffel Tower anywhere. All I see is some big, metal pointy thing.

4. When you can't tell the difference between 1 and 10

A group of people came through the gate tonight at about 9:30 p.m. The first two people paid, then they told their drunk(er) friend that he needed to give me $10 for a ticket. He tried to hand me a $1 bill, and his friends ended up taking his wallet away from him and explaining the difference between a 10 and a 1. 

At that point, you should probably just go home before you wake up the next morning and can't remember why your wallet is empty.

3. When you give up your principles for taco bell

A young couple came through the gates tonight, and the guy wanted to pay for both of them. The girl insisted that she was paying for herself, but the guy shoved her money away and paid me for both of their tickets. When she complained that she didn't want to allow him to pay for her, he said, "Don't worry. If we get drunk enough tonight, you can buy both of us taco bell." She apparently agreed with that idea.

If this is the price of your principles...You're actually probably pretty smart :P

2. When you don't know wine is alcohol

You are not allowed to take alcohol out of the Italian Festival, partially because of city ordinances and partially because we're trying to delude ourselves into believing that people become sober when they throw away their alcohol. 

This one old lady, a few years ago, tried to carry a cup of wine out of the festival. 

When I asked, "Ma'm, is that alcohol?" She replied, "Alcohol. Alcohol. Is that alcohol? Is that alcohol? No. This is wine."

Her friends ended up wrestling it away from her and throwing it away. 

Part of me secretly wishes my friends and I will be like that in 50 years.

But this is far more likely to be us.

1. You try to name strangers' hypothetical future children after your father

I came across a girl a few years ago, running around in circles while being chased by her dad.

The girl's mother (who was extremely drunk), came up to me and told me to trip her daughter with my crutch, which I refused to do. 

The woman then told me a lengthy story about how she had children even when the doctors said she couldn't. 

She looked me in the eyes and said, "You're gonna be able to have kids someday, I just know it! What are you gonna name him, your son?" 

When I replied politely that I wasn't sure, she told me, "Promise me you'll name him James Robert, after my father." 

Rumplestiltskin's on probation and now only names babies instead of stealing them!

She then tried to marry me off to a bartender - true story.