I'm so Bored that I made fun of a Rogaine ad

This ad keeps popping up on Hulu, and I can't stand it anymore. I have to complain.



So, I'm just going to go through it point by point:

1. Skeptical

Why are key words from each of his sentences displayed next to him? Do they really think people can't understand that he was skeptical unless the word "skeptical" is floating next to him? I know, I know, it's a marketing technique, but I'm never impressed by someone who assumes I am an idiot.

2. Girlfriend noticed

What kind of claim is this? Even his girlfriend noticed? Are girlfriends supposed to be notoriously oblivious? Did everyone else notice he was growing hair, but his girlfriend didn't? I'd be way more impressed if it said "The hobo I pass on the way to work noticed."

3. 85% 

So, there's a 15% chance that it won't work? Awesome!

4. Nearly 9 out of 10 guys

Does that mean it was actually 8 out of 10 guys?

5. Starting to see more hair

Note that he doesn't say that he sees more hair on his own head. He could just be checking out more girls, since obviously his girlfriend wouldn't notice if he did.

6. Up to 42%

So, you could be saving anywhere between 0 and 42%? Awesome again!

7. Where are the before photos?

He's claiming he regrew hair, but I don't see any photos of him without it, just saying.

Ok, enough griping. Back to watching Desperate Housewives studying for exams.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Silence will fall. If you didn't know, move back one space. If you asked somebody for the answer, move back 3 spaces for helping Silence to fall. 

Question: What is the fear of big words called? 

I'm so Bored that I became a Spaniard

No, this is not referring to the fact that I am studying abroad in Spain next semester, although I will definitely be talking about that a lot in the future. No, right now, I'm talking about World War II.

No, you're not alone. He can't believe it either.

To preface this, I need to remind you that Show-off has been helping me to learn how to walk.

Because of this, remember?

Anyway, he told me the other day that I was a nazi, because I was walking with my knee straight.

I am not this bad...

He said that if I were American, I would bend my leg when I walked.

I wanted to find a picture of Americans not bending their knees, but apparently, they always did...

He also has been trying to get me to practice walking up stairs.

Without a baby, though

So, I'm assuming that, in Show-off's mind, there's a correlation between WWII nationality and stair climbing.

A Nazi would use the rail, because they're cowardly, while an American would walk step over step without the rail:

However, all of this forgets that Allies and Axis countries such as America and Germany were not the only countries around during World War II.

There was Spain.

In case you're racking your brains trying to remember what side Spain was on in WWII, they weren't. Spain was recovering from a civil war, had recently fallen under the control of Franco, and had no resources, so they didn't enter the war.

So, in honor of the country where I will be studying next semester, here is the (WWII era) Spanish way to go up or down stairs:

1. Take off leg. 

I'm not getting involved in this fight.

2. Scoot up or down the stairs. It's a lot faster.

Plus, I can't imagine Hitler ever scooting down a flight of stairs.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Check last post. 

Question: What will happen when the question is asked?

I'm so Bored that I played a bunch of pranks, part 2

In case any of you noticed the random prayer that was on this blog all day today, I posted that on the wrong blog. Sorry, y'all!

Anyway, on with the pranks. An essential part of any prankster's repertoire is:

Silly Stringing Everything and Everyone

Yes, I still own some silly string somewhere.

And I wish I had an acceptable reason to use it and still appear mature...

When I was younger, though, this stuff went with me everywhere, especially to camp, where it eventually got banned. 

Which had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Some of my silly string pranks were relatively minor. 

Although some people may not have thought so.

I silly stringed a Child Life Specialist's office once. 

In my defense, I didn't know it would ruin paper

I also was fond of silly stringing random passerby at camp, but I can't find the pictures.

My most memorable silly string prank, however, involved the same Child Life Specialist (Curly, for brevity's sake) mentioned above, I believe 8 cans of silly string, and a few of my friends.

The Silly String Sneak Attack

On the last full day of camp, when we were supposed to be packing, we still hadn't used any of our silly string, and we really wanted to attack Curly, so together with our counselor, we hatched an ingenious plan. 

Step 1. We each took a couple cans of silly string, and then we hid in the closets in our room. 

Shhhh!

Step 2. Our counselor walked down the hallway to Curly's room. She told Curly that we wouldn't clean our room and asked for her help in convincing us to clean and pack. 

I don't think it was a complete lie

Step 3. Our counselor and Curly returned to our room, where we were nowhere to be found. Curly asked "Where are they?" Our counselor repeated the question, and this was our cue.

Ready or not, here we come!

Step 4. We jumped out of the closets and attacked Curly with every ounce of silly string in our possession. Our lovely counselor pulled a camera out of her pocket and started snapping pictures

Which I don't have, unfortunately.

Step 5. We hid from Curly for the rest of the day and night, because we were convinced she was coming for revenge. 

Bored Game Time

Answer: Goldfinger. Move forward 2 spaces if you knew that, because I didn't. (I Googled the quote.)

Question: No riddle today. If you were part of the silly string sneak attack, and you're reading this, go ahead and move forward one more space. 

I'm so Bored that I played a bunch of pranks, part 1

I told y'all the other day about the time I stole a hamster. What I forgot to mention was that the hamster incident was only one of a long string of pranks I have played over the years.

In the next few posts, I'm going to share with you a few of the most memorable pranks I've played.

#1: The Construction Sign 

I don't know what the layout currently is, but when I was little, the Child Life Specialist office on the first floor of St. Jude shared a suite with the nurse administrator's office (you had to walk through the Child Life office to get to the nurse administrator.) All told, a fairly decent amount of people worked in that office suite. I, however, conveniently forgot this.

Oh, you exist? I thought you were mythical, like unicorns. 

One night, I was inpatient (on chemo), and as you can imagine, I was extremely Bored. Luckily, I had some paper, Sharpies, and blue painter's tape just lying around (in wait, since this prank was definitely pre-meditated). 

I carefully wrote out the following message on a piece of paper, making sure to copy as closely as possible the handwriting I had seen on similar signs around the hospital:

Well, I thought I copied it closely. I was 9...

Then, I had Mom sneak downstairs and hang it on the Child Life Specialist office door with blue painter's tape. 

I swear, this stuff is essential for any prankster's toolkit

Then, all I had to do was sit in my room and wait gleefully. 

I was a strange child

I had vastly overestimated my own abilities, however. 

You see, I assumed that when everyone got to work in the morning, they would freak out at the sign for a  few minutes before remembering that no construction was scheduled and entering their office. 

What I hadn't counted on was there actually being construction scheduled. 

It seemed to be time for another picture.

Apparently, a new rug was actually supposed to be installed sometime that week, but nobody knew the exact date except for the head of Child Life, whom I will here just call the Boss.

Since none of them knew when the rug was being installed, they all assumed it was that day.

If you look closely, the pattern spells out "gullible."

Since the Boss didn't get to work as early as everyone else, the entire staff of both offices stood awkwardly in the hallway for an hour, confused by my sign.

Those construction people are being really quiet...

When she finally arrived, the Boss was confronted by the rest of the staff, all asking about the mysterious sign. 

The Boss was no moron, though. She took one look at the handwriting on the sign, and then came straight upstairs to my room. 

So, we meet again...

Bored Game time:

Answer: Use your imagination. Move forward 1 space if you did.

Question: Who is the character in the photo above?

I'm so Bored that I made up statistics

A long time ago, senior year of high school to be exact, my Lovaaah (before she was my Lovaaah) and I  were getting to know each other on Facebook, and we found a website which listed items which had been correlated with cancer in various studies and articles.

I can't find the list we were looking at currently, but here is another list.

The list we had found included bubble bath, bacon, caffeine, having children, and not having children.

Yes, even if you've sworn off the first three, because you're a Jewish Mormon guy who thinks bubble baths are girly, you're still going to get cancer.

Not having kids with me will give you a worse form of cancer than you would get otherwise. 

What bugs me most is not that a lot of these "correlations" are minuscule or completely unfounded. It's not even that so many people still don't know the difference between correlation and causation. 

"Your Honor, just because women who marry me die at an average age that is a few decades younger than the general population, that does not mean that marrying me had anything to do with their deaths!"

No, what upsets me is how narrow-minded these people are in their assumptions about the direction of causation. 

Why does caffeine have to be what's causing cancer? It is equally plausible without any further proof that cancer is causing caffeine. 

Why do you think the energy drink companies are thriving? Because there's not a cure for cancer yet!

Also, why does causation have to move forward in time?

If bacon is causing cancer, for instance, who's to say it can't cause it retroactively?

If I avoid eating it for long enough, I'll wake up someday and my leg will be back. Of course, then I would have no memory of why I was avoiding all these cancer-causing things...

And why can't the causation be cyclical? 

Bubble bath retroactively causes childhood cancer, the stress of which drives you to take bubble baths...

Think I'm being ridiculous? Take a look at that list again, then come back and tell me that I'm the crazy one.

Bored Game time!

Answer: Coach Franklin! Move forward 1 space if you're stalking my Facebook and knew this. 

Question: What is a good use for cardboard?

I'm so Bored that I stole a hamster

I would like to preface the story by noting that it was a toy hamster, and that I was very young and on a lot of (legally prescribed) drugs at the time.

When I was on cancer treatment at St. Jude, there was a Child Life Specialist named Shaun.

Shaun had a dancing toy hamster that sang "Born to be wild" when you pressed its paw.

I think he called it Daryl, but I don't remember now.

Anyway, one day I decided to kidnap his hamster. I took it to my hospital room and hid it in a Saltine cracker box.

I no longer have the video of what happened next, but Shaun and some other members of the Child Life team came into my room dressed in surgical scrubs and carrying duck calls. 

Shaun refused to do the chicken dance in order to get his hamster back, and I refused to give up the hamster's location. I ended up taking the hamster home with me when I left the hospital. 

I mean, I couldn't hand him over to people dressed like this...

When I got home, I made the hamster an email account and a new name.

I emailed Shaun and told him that his hamster had been rescued, not kidnapped, by an organization which protects furry creatures, since he was tired of dancing for Shaun on demand. 

I sent Shaun pictures of his hamster lounging around a "resort" with Barbies. 

At the pool

And out on the town

I don't know what happened to the next set of photos, but I found a fluffy pink toy chicken in Walgreens. The chicken danced to the chicken dance, and so I  my mom bought her.

I named her Bertha, and I married her off to the hamster. 

I returned Bertha and the hamster to Shaun in a Kroger bag with a sign that said, "Just married."

Later, I found another dancing hamster in a store and I gave it to Shaun, saying that it was the first hamster's cousin who had just been let out of the loony bin. 

It's probably a good thing that Shaun moved away, or his dancing animal collection might have gotten out of control. 

Bored Game time!

Answer: In case you couldn't tell, it was a hamster. Move forward 1 space if you knew this before reading this post.

Question: Who just hugged me and Lovaah in the cafeteria? 

I'm so Bored that I learned to walk

This post is a bit delayed, but I've been sorta busy.

In case you forgot, this is what I did this summer:

And you thought you had seen this picture for the last time...

Of course, contrary to what some people mistakenly believed, the purpose of ^that was not to stay like this:

I have hair, y'all...

And since my only options in life were getting a prosthetic leg and learning to walk, ^that, or this:

Actually, this is kinda sounding like a fun option right now

I obviously chose to get a prosthetic leg and learn how to walk. 

This was obviously not working, though

Luckily for me, though, after I wrote the blog post about breaking my leg, another amputee, whom I will call "Show-off," managed to quasi-fix it. 

This really is good for pretty much anything.

After a trip home did not result in me being able to get my prosthetist to fix my leg, Show-off took me to his prosthetist here, who amazingly made me a new leg for free. 

Shameless plug time: Check it out!

Over the last few weeks, I've been learning how to walk, mostly aided by Show-off. 

And even though Show-off is sometimes something of a bully and reminds me constantly how out of shape I am,

I am not "out of shape." I am simply a different shape than would be preferable...

I can now walk without my crutches, so I guess it's working. 

<

But if you're reading this, you're still a Show-off. 

Bored Game Time!

Answer: I will be in Spain. Move forward one space if you knew that. More specifically, I will be in Palma de Mallorca en Las Islas Baleares. If you knew that, move back one space, stalker. 

Question: What toy animal did I steal from a Child Life Specialist when I was little?