I'm so Bored that I became a ghost

In a recent blog post, I promised to become a pirate.

Well, I had my surgery on Wednesday, had my right leg amputated below the knee.

To my surprise, I did not instantly transform into a pirate. I did not have a strange urge to go pillage a village or sail in search of buried treasure.

Although I have been watching the 4th Pirates of the Carribean movie today...

No, I am not a pirate (not yet, at least).

However, I have been transformed (partially) into a real, live ghost!

You can't see it, but my right leg is still there...as a ghost

After my amputation on Wednesday, I had to feel the cast and look at my leg to convince myself that most of it was gone.

I have a phantom limb, and it feels as real as ever, except that it can pass through objects. 

Currently, my right leg is hanging through the couch, with my foot dangling just above the floor, because I can't straighten my leg at the moment. 

I could go on for days about all the weird sensations, about phantom pain and phantom paralysis, but I skipped my pain meds to come downstairs and write this post for y'all, so I'm about to pass out from the pain in my residual limb. Thus, I will focus on one thing - proprioception. 

Although Blogger doesn't think it's a word, proprioception is the sense you use to know where your body parts and other objects are in relation to the rest of you. 

I'm betting, unless you have some serious neural damage, that you can close your eyes and touch your nose with your finger. 

Surprisingly, you can do this with your eyes closed.

Propioception allows blind people to get dressed in the morning. It allows you to walk without tripping over your own feet (at least some of the time...) It allows you to brush your teeth without looking in the mirror the whole time.

And, it allows me to have a superpower. 

My right foot and lower leg is a ghost. Part of me exists in an alternate reality, a separate plane of existence. 

I feel the couch close to the cast on my residual limb, and I feel my leg hanging down, straight through the couch.

The couch does not touch my leg (I cannot feel it against or around my phantom leg), but it occupies the same space at the same time, and my proprioception tells me this. 

I flinch when I put on my prosthetic leg, instinctively scared that the fake foot is going to crash into my phantom foot. Instead, it passes through painlessly. 

My friend TQ - You remember TQ, right? - came to visit me yesterday, along with Bob/Rambo (who should totally write a guest blog post about his own ghost limb, by the way). 

Anyway, TQ karate chopped my phantom limb and his hands passed straight through. They were here, in this world.

My leg, though, is gone, and it remains only as a ghost. 

But you can't see it with a flashlight.

The strange thing is, I can't help thinking that my leg does still exist, that my leg's essence is hanging around, waiting to be rejoined to me when I join it in eternity.

This may sound crazy, but my phantom limb is a reminder to me that there is more than this world, that when the things and people we love leave, they are never truly gone. They are still as real as they always have been. We just can't see them anymore.

Of course, as I'm saying all these kind things about my phantom limb, I already have an appointment Monday to start changing/getting rid of it altogether.

You see, my phantom limb hurts ALOT, and it's mostly paralyzed, tied to this world where it doesn't belong.

And it is time for it to leave. I have to let go of my lower leg entirely. I have been reminded that it will always be there, but now I am sending my leg to heaven ahead of me, where Jesus may remold it during the rest of my journey on Earth. 

When that journey is done, I will be made whole by my Creator and Lord, and the ghost will become flesh once more.

I know this is a weird blog post, moving from a joke to religious meditations. Blame the meds if you want, but I'm not being crazy. I stand by every word of this post.n 

And, in case you thought I was ending on a serious note, you should know that I'm straightening out my phantom knee right now, and my right foot is now just hanging out inside the framework and cushions of the couch. 

I am ghost woman -  I can kick through walls (and couch cushions)!

There will be a cool prize for anyone who can design a cool picture of me in a superhero outfit, kicking my phantom leg through a wall, that I can put in this space. Comment below!

Update: 

I am at home now, and I'm a bit more lucid. I actually was not on drugs at the time of the original post, but intense mind-blowing pain has pretty much the same effect. 

To clarify, I do not believe that my leg has a part of my soul with it, that shall go up to heaven before me. I do believe that I will regain my leg in Paradise, but that is a discussion that does not go well with this blog. 

So, in summary, feel free to laugh with me at my pain-induced ramblings (or just ignore that part of the post altogether...) Also, I do still want that picture. PLEASE DRAW ME WITH A GHOST LEG!

That's all, Folks! 

I'm so Bored that I injured myself ... a lot

Today, I tripped over my own foot when I was walking out of my Grandmother's house.

I fell facedown onto the pavement, breaking the fall with my left arm, and scraping up my left elbow and all the knuckles on my left hand in the process. I also managed to bruise my left hip bone so badly that there is now a welt on my left thigh.

But my mom bandaged my arm, so it's not bleeding anymore, at least!

This would be a crazy story about my awful day ... if I were anyone other than myself.

You see, the elbow I scraped open this afternoon had just recently begun to scab over from having been scraped open by a similar fall a couple weeks ago.

In fact, I have a long history of accidental injuries, and since I'm lying in bed, bandaged up and holding an ice pack to my leg with nothing better to do than blog, I might as well recount a few of the highlights of my not-so-romantic affair with the ground. 

My Injuries

1. The start of it all - Terry Quantum broke my ankle

 

I guess the beginning of the affair was when I broke my right ankle at summer camp the summer I turned 12.

It was the first night of camp, the golf cart was busy, and cats and dogs were falling from the sky in buckets.

So, one of the counselors, a man who would later come to be known as Terry Quantum (or simply TQ), offered me a piggy-back ride.

I blurred out your face, plus this picture is already on Facebook...

When I went to get on his back, though, I fell down the stairs. 

I can't find a picture of the stairs on the barn anywhere, but they're kinda like those stairs in the background of the picture of TQ. 

Anyway, TQ (who was not yet TQ, but he can time travel, so maybe he was ... my head hurts now) caught me, but not before my right ankle snapped.

Of course, I was already on crutches and had no idea that my ankle was broken, so although (future?) TQ carried me to Club Med in the middle of the night for a nurse to examine my ankle, my mom wasn't called and I went three weeks without a diagnosis. 

Doctor: We want more x-rays of her ankle. 

Mom: Why?

Doctor: It's broken. Has been for about three weeks.

Mom: Impossible. She hasn't even fallen down recently.

Me: Well, actually, funny story...

TQ skipped camp the next year, which I can only assume means that he was already TQ and had time traveled and therefore already knew my ankle was broken.

2. I sprained my ankle - a bunch


Once, I slipped on water in the school cafeteria and ended up going on a field trip to Putt Putt in a wheelchair.

That was the day I bought Animal from the prize counter.

Once, I stuck my crutch in a hole in the soccer field at school and twisted my ankle.

I was pretty sure crutches were supposed to help you walk...

Once, I stubbed my toe on a rock on a hill at camp, and I tumbled down the hill and sprained my ankle.

Ok, I know this is a stretch as far as illustrations go. Just bear with me.

Once, I slipped in the dining hall at camp while I was playing Heads Up, Seven Up. I screamed, and TQ rushed to my side and said, "At least it's not my fault this time."

Parents, be warned. Serious injury can occur while playing this game.

3. I injured myself at another summer camp, and they called my Mom this time.

At summer camp in Montana when I was 13 or 14, I slammed full-force into a wooden "rock" wall, ripping open my left leg and filling my skin with splinters. 

This was the first, but not the last, time that a camp doctor insisted on calling my Mom.

(The second time was after the Heads Up Seven Up game). 

4. I got to college and sprained my ankle again. 

Last fall, I arrived back on campus for the start of my sophomore year of college, and I promptly sprained my ankle. 

I fell over in my room, which the RA had a difficult time believing, since I didn't trip on anything (except my own feet, and the floor)

Anyway, I spent all night in the ER, and I got a lovely black boot to wear for a while. 

I don't think the doctor who prescribed this realized that I can't "walk" 

Anyway, the rest of that story is much too long for this post, so ... moving on!

5. I crashed my scooter

Y'all have all heard of Herbie, my adorable red electric mobility scooter. 

Remember me?

So, one night I was driving home at around midnight, having just sent Peter Pan to his room to bandage up scrapes on his leg from tripping over his bicycle. 

Once again, absolutely no relevance - I just feel like everything needs illustrations!

I was texting Awesome Guy (because I am a moron), and looked up just in time to see a curb in front of me. 

I swerved, and Herbie flipped on his side, spilling me out onto the asphalt. 

As I would find out later, my leg was bruised and my knee was scraped open and bleeding rather profusely.

I apparently don't deal with trauma, though, and so I just reached for my phone, texted Awesome Guy, and then lay in the street and sobbed until a stranger came and helped me. 

Pan claims the guy was my guardian angel, but I'm pretty sure he's another student. I mean, I've seen him around before, so unless my guardian angel decided to enroll full-time at Vandy...

Mom: "That wouldn't be a bad idea."

Incredibly long story ridiculously short, I eventually made it home, and my friends bandaged me up and cheered me up. 

Lovaah played this for me (in many different languages). 

So, there you have it - a brief history of a bunch of my injuries. 

Right now, though, I should get some sleep. Camp starts on Saturday, and I don't want to end up loopy on painkillers the whole week again (That story is for another time). 

Good night!

I'm so Bored that I parodied Cee Lo Green

My Lovaaah and I wrote this song a long time ago, actually, and I just now got around to posting it on here.

For now, all I have is clipart to go with it, but I fully intend to make a video at some point. Stay tuned.

For now, though, for all you guys who are hopelessly in love with that cute girl in chemistry lab, this is for you:

Pour Acid on You


Chorus:

I see you driving 'round campus with your goggles on 

Pour acid on you!

Oo, oo, ooo

As if wearing them in chem lab wasn't enough

Pour acid on you and on her too!

I said, If I was nerdier, i'd be preferred by ya

Ha, now ain't that some sh**? (ain't that some sh**?)

And although there's no A on my test

I still wish you the best 

Pour acid on you!

Oo, oo, ooo

Yeah i'm sorry, i don’t know how to titrate,

But I could neutralize your fears away.

I add phenolphthalein, but it never turns pink

Can’t I win your heart some other way?


I pity the fool who sits in lab with you

(oh sh** she's a chem nerd)

Well

(just thought you would have heard)

Ooooooh

I've got some news for you

Yeah go run and tell your li'l lab partner

Chorus

Now i know, that i had to borrow,

lab notes, but I’d never cheat.

He would to keep ya, Tryin’ to please ya.

He copied off your carbon copy sheet.


I pity the fool who sits in lab with you

(oh sh** she's a chem nerd)

Well

(just thought you would have heard)

Ooooooh

I've got some news for you

i really hate yo acid right now

Chorus

Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?

(so bad, so bad, so bad)

When all I want is for you to allow me

to sit by you in lab

(in lab, in lab, in lab)

Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!

Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you oh!

I still love you. Oooh!


Chorus

*Sorry for the lack of quality pictures. I will post a video once school is back in session**.


**This promise is contingent upon my friends at school agreeing to be in said video ... PLEASE!!

I'm so Bored that I decoded song lyrics

Sometimes, when I'm listening to songs, I try to get inside the mind of the songwriter to understand their motivation for writing the song.

But this method is generally frowned upon...

I know, a lot of people might say, "They just wrote it to get paid," but I like to believe in artistic integrity, that writers still rely on inspiration in this mercenary age, taking money only as a bonus and never writing merely to satisfy an assignment or an approaching deadline. Writing is an art, and ought to be treated as such.

Yeah, I have no idea who this "Katie" person is...

In all seriousness, though, I do like to guess the motivation behind a song, and I think I've figured out a few of them. 

Some Songs and Their Not-So-Obvious Meanings

5. Big Green Tractor by Jason Aldean

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this song, the narrator's "Baby" is all dressed up for a night out, but he's talking about taking her for a ride on his big green tractor. 

Some people may think that he's being romantic. Some of my friends might be trying to find a euphamism in there somewhere. 

Truth is, though, that he just doesn't want to go out with her tonight, probably because she has horrible taste in musicals. 

Yeah, of course I loved Big the first five times we saw it...but my tractor is big, too! 

4. Why Wait by Rascal Flatts 

This song sounds super romantic, singing about not wanting to wait another day, until you realize that he says things like "Forever's a given" and "Your daddy won't mind if we save him a bundle."

So, basically, I take you for granted and I think your dad sees you only as a dollar sign, but I got you a really big diamond, so shut up and marry me already. 

Not exactly how I like to imagine someone proposing...

3. Breathe by Taylor Swift

What this song is supposedly about: Leaving her boyfriend, and being sad as she does so

What this song is actually about: Saying goodbye to one of her lungs when it is stolen by organ traffickers/removed due to a pneumonectomy

"And I can't breathe without you, but I have to"

This song also might be about losing another body part. This is hinted at by the line about "You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand."

There's more I could say, but I'll let you listen to the song and draw your own conclusions. 

Bonus: Enough is Enough by Eli Young Band could very easily be singing to a cane or crutch.

2. Come Cryin' To Me by Lonestar

This song sounds so sweet at first: "Don't even look back. Come cryin' to me." 

In fact, I often look past the song's actual agenda and think, "This is such a beautiful song!"

The key, though, is in these lines:

There's nothing to explain to me

You don't even need a key

All you've gotta do is knock

And I'll unlock the door

The sentiment about not needing a key has literally no bearing whatsoever on the rest of the song. If the purpose was truly to convince her that he would always be there for her, he could have said:

 No matter what you're crying for

I'll never even lock my door

You can just run to me

And I'll be there for you.

Instead, he tells her that he's not giving her a copy of the key, and that she needs to knock to get into his house.

Long story short, I'm convinced that the songwriter and his girlfriend got into a fight concerning the spare key to his place.

Come on, you can't argue with me now. I wrote you a song!

1. Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cindi Lauper

Ok, this one's actually pretty obvious, but in case anyone was confused, the "girls" in this song definitely want something, but "fun" probably isn't the best word for what they want. 

Bow Wow Wow doesn't actually want candy, either...

But I do. Buy me this many Mounds, and I will love you forever!

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so Bored that I defeated a dinosaur

Ok, to be honest, that title was a bald-faced lie. Sorry, but I needed to get your attention.

I've been having trouble focusing on my blog lately, because I've actually been very un-Bored trying to help plan a summer camp.

Yup, I am the Camper Care Coordinator for Camp Kesem, a free summer camp for children whose parents have or have had cancer.

I don't remember which photos I'm allowed to post at the moment, so unfortunately, you'll have to take my word that these kids are ADORABLE and in need of your help. 

See, the deal is that we are community partners with Livestrong, which means that they will give us $10,000 (that's a LOT of zeros!) if we raise another $10,000 on our own.

And we are so close! But we aren't there yet.

So, I really need your help to meet our fundraising goal.

Click here if you want to help kids affected by cancer!

Anyway, if you actually read all the way through this message, I'm really sorry for misusing my blog.

But, if y'all can help me out, then I will never again use my blog as a fundraiser tool (at least for another year).

Also, if I meet my goal (I need another $175 to reach it!) before camp, then I will tell y'all the story of how I kidnapped a hamster...and married it off to a chicken.

AND THERE ARE PICTURES!

As an added bonus, if you post a comment telling me you donated and promise to share the link with your Facebook friends (or at least with one other person), then I will give you a free Livestrong bracelet!

And they're pretty cool!

I'm so Bored that I became a giddy fangirl

Apparently, the strike-through feature doesn't work in the post title.

It should read: I'm so Bored Excited that I became a giddy fangirl.

Yes, I changed my name (for this post only). This may be cheating somewhat, but I couldn't withhold my excitement any longer.

Remember the Italian Festival I was telling you about? The one with all the funny drunk people?

After I wrote that last post, I went back to work at Italian Fest.

I thought I was going to just sell tickets until 9 p.m., and then go watch the Eli Young Band perform on the main stage at 9:30.

You'd never guess how long it takes to count 160 of these...

Anyway, my dad broke into the ticket booth at about 8 o'clock, got someone to take my place, and then dragged me away with him.

My dad is literally known around the festival as the Parking Lot Nazi. He wouldn't let my youngest brother take a dinner break. So, when he pulled me out of the ticket booth and over to a golf cart full of the rest of my family, I assumed (quite naturally) that someone was dead.

or had gotten x's sewn over their eyes...I've never really understood that symbol

My dad, however, had apparently used the fact that he knows everybody (He yells at seemingly random people across Walmarts, so I mean literally everybody) to get me backstage to meet the Eli Young Band. 

They signed my shirt!

Needless to say, they were amazing. In fact, I have yet to meet a country star who wasn't a genuinely nice person. (Rodney Atkins, if you ever find my blog by some miracle, I'm sorry I lost your email address and I still have your softball jersey in my closet...and my mom still wishes I would wash it.)

We took some pictures together, which I will not post here, because that would ruin the pretend anonymity of this blog. 

Then, I got to sit in the front row of the concert with my family. 

They threw their guitar pics at us. 

How do I know they threw them at us?

He made EYE CONTACT! It's MINE! - my cousin 

He did, and it was hers. Thus, the two they threw at me were mine :)

Towards the end of the concert, Mike Eli (the lead singer, for any of you who may be oblivious to the world of country music) dedicated Crazy Girl to me.

Which was amazing and yet ironic, since I had been chanting for "Throw And Go"

That song pretty much describes my life.

Anyway, now that I'm through gushing, I ought to mention that I just watched Two Weeks Notice, so I'm hearing everything I write in the voice of Hugh Grant, and now ... you do, too.

"Why yes, I do play the same role in every movie. But I'm it's a rather nice role, don't you think?" 

I'm so Bored that I went swimming

A few days ago, my two younger brothers and I went swimming at the YMCA near our house (or, actually, the one second-closest to our house).

And we had ADVENTURES!

1. My crutch broke.

I don't really know how to illustrate this, but the handle fell off one of my crutches, stranding me in the locker room while I tried to fix it, which leads to:

2. CHILDREN!!

Normally, I adore children.

The children in the locker room at the Y, though, asked me if they could climb on the lockers "to take a picture."

You want to bully yourself? Sure, go right ahead...

They also told me that I looked like a boy because I had short hair. 

So, does she look like a boy, too?

Anyway, when they asked why I had crutches, I told them that I had cancer when I was their age. Then they shut up, and one of them said I had a pretty swimsuit.

Honestly, I thought that 10-12 year-olds would have grown out of sticking their feet in their mouths.

3. Lifeguards need to go through leadership training

I watched as a lifeguard yelled at a group of children repeatedly, "Get off the bulkhead!" Oblivious to the fact that they probably don't know what that word means, she then lost her cool completely and threatened to kick them out of the pool. Of course, the next time they got on the bulkhead, she just yelled again and didn't kick them out of the pool. 

Someone needs to go to leadership training, and maybe some anger management classes...

Also, she got upset at us for playing chicken. 

"Ok, since my partner is an intertube..."

4. We tried to walk to Little Ceasar's.

Yup, we decided to walk to go get pizza. Unfortunately, someone ratted us out to my older sister, so she caught up to us in the car while we were walking.

And made us go home, where there was no pizza :/

Well, speaking of pizza, I'm Hungry, so hasta luego, Boredom!

I'm so Bored that I laughed at drunk people

"That post title sounds derogatory!"

If that's what you just thought, then welcome. I'm now going to laugh at you, too. If, on the other hand, you don't know what the sentence above means, then maybe this post was already directed at you in the first place...

This weekend, I have spent a lot of time working at the Italian Festival, a humongous event put on by my church, and the largest family-friendly event in this city. I have worked at this festival every summer since I was 12, and I'm still amazed at how many of the people at this "family" event are perpetually drunk. 

It's secretly run by Irish? Suddenly, everything makes sense...

Anyway, I should have known this weekend would be crazy when it started with a thunderstorm and a whole bunch of volunteers huddled under a pavilion to avoid the wind, rain and lightning.

For 2 and half hours, we were all underneath this, during a very windy thunderstorm.

The fun had just begun, though, because the drunk and otherwise ridiculous people had yet to arrive.

So, without further ado, here is my top ten list (it could be MUCH longer) of People Who Should Not Be Allowed To Drive, a.ka.:

You Know You're Drunk When:

10. You ask a stranger for a bologna sandwich

One night at the festival, a few years ago, my younger brother was directing traffic at the entrance to the parking lot, and he had a cooler of drinks sitting on the ground next to him. A very inebriated man walked up to him and asked "Hey, you got a bologna sandwich in there?"

When all his inhibtions were destroyed, all this man truly craved was a balogna sandwich...

9. You think Spanish and Italian are the same language

A man tonight walked in with his buddies, and he was speaking Spainglish ("Mi amigo es muy friendlyish"). One of his friends said, "That's Spanish, not Italian, stupid!" to which the man replied "It's basically the same." 

Yup, these look identical...

8. When you drop $20 worth of tickets on the ground.

I can only assume that the people who do this are completely wasted...

It totally grows on trees, right?

7. When you lose control of a golf cart

Ok, to be honest, these people most likely weren't drunk, although apparently they should not have been allowed to drive. Somebody lost control of a golf cart today, and it rolled down the sidewalk by itself and crashed into the front tires of an eighteen-wheeler parked by the curb.

To be even more honest, I crashed a golf cart once, but at least I was on it when it crashed...

No, the golf cart was not alive.

6. When you throw a tantrum because nobody will take you to Walmart

I admit it - I'm cheating again. This actually happened at a party at school and not at the Italian Festival, but it was too funny to not be included in this list.

I met a guy at a birthday party in my friend's suite. We will simply call the guy Walmart Guy. Well, Walmart Guy really wanted to go to Walmart, but nobody else could decide where they wanted to go, so they walked back into the back room to talk more rather than leaving.

Walmart Guy plopped himself down on the floor in the doorway and loudly declared, "I'm sitting here until someone agrees to go to Walmart with me!"

Once again, all his inhibitions gone, and THIS is what he wants...

Nobody would go with him, so I sat down to talk to him. He asked me my last name, and when I asked him his last name, he told me it was really hard to spell and started trying to count the letters in his last name before finally giving up.

5. When you walk right past the giant ticket booth without seeing it

This is a common mistake, but one mostly made by people who have been heavily pre-gaming the festival. They walk right past all the giant signs and past the giant ticket booth itself to the people checking bags and taking tickets. They then look completely startled when you inform them that the ticket booth is directly behind them.

No, I don't see the Eiffel Tower anywhere. All I see is some big, metal pointy thing.

4. When you can't tell the difference between 1 and 10

A group of people came through the gate tonight at about 9:30 p.m. The first two people paid, then they told their drunk(er) friend that he needed to give me $10 for a ticket. He tried to hand me a $1 bill, and his friends ended up taking his wallet away from him and explaining the difference between a 10 and a 1. 

At that point, you should probably just go home before you wake up the next morning and can't remember why your wallet is empty.

3. When you give up your principles for taco bell

A young couple came through the gates tonight, and the guy wanted to pay for both of them. The girl insisted that she was paying for herself, but the guy shoved her money away and paid me for both of their tickets. When she complained that she didn't want to allow him to pay for her, he said, "Don't worry. If we get drunk enough tonight, you can buy both of us taco bell." She apparently agreed with that idea.

If this is the price of your principles...You're actually probably pretty smart :P

2. When you don't know wine is alcohol

You are not allowed to take alcohol out of the Italian Festival, partially because of city ordinances and partially because we're trying to delude ourselves into believing that people become sober when they throw away their alcohol. 

This one old lady, a few years ago, tried to carry a cup of wine out of the festival. 

When I asked, "Ma'm, is that alcohol?" She replied, "Alcohol. Alcohol. Is that alcohol? Is that alcohol? No. This is wine."

Her friends ended up wrestling it away from her and throwing it away. 

Part of me secretly wishes my friends and I will be like that in 50 years.

But this is far more likely to be us.

1. You try to name strangers' hypothetical future children after your father

I came across a girl a few years ago, running around in circles while being chased by her dad.

The girl's mother (who was extremely drunk), came up to me and told me to trip her daughter with my crutch, which I refused to do. 

The woman then told me a lengthy story about how she had children even when the doctors said she couldn't. 

She looked me in the eyes and said, "You're gonna be able to have kids someday, I just know it! What are you gonna name him, your son?" 

When I replied politely that I wasn't sure, she told me, "Promise me you'll name him James Robert, after my father." 

Rumplestiltskin's on probation and now only names babies instead of stealing them!

She then tried to marry me off to a bartender - true story.