I'm so Bored that I got marriage advice from a 9-year-old

My 9-year-old cousin, who shall hereafter be referred to as Princess, has told me many times that I should never get married.

"Become a nun...like me!"

She has even told me that she's afraid that if I were to ever get married, I would stop loving her.

Which is even less likely than us finding one of these in Australia

This summer, however, Princess decided that I'm allowed to someday get married if she gets to choose the perfect husband for me. Here is her strategy:

1. Come to a meeting of my university's Catholic group.

2. Pick the first cute boy she sees.

3. Ask him if he's single.

4. If he says yes to 3, ask him if he has any tattoos or piercings.

5. If he says no to 4, ask him to marry me.

Good, we've narrowed down the field to only the best candidates

And all this time, I thought finding my future husband would be so difficult. Silly me!

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Apparently, over an hour and a half. yeesh.

Question: Do you think I could actually find a husband by letting Princess talk a guy into marrying me? 

I'm so Bored that I made another list of reasons to chop off your leg, Pt. 2

¡Hola! If you haven't read the first part, go here!

This picture really is the best thing I've ever drawn

Con #4: Falling down a lot

When you're learning how to walk with a prosthetic, you're going to fall down a lot. Actually, even after you've pretty much mastered prosthetics, you'll still probably fall down at least some.

I know I use this picture too much

But why worry about twisted ankles, pulled muscles, or bleeding knees?

Pro #4: Learn what it feels like to be a ghost!

You remember this post?  (WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK).  With a phantom limb and the lovely sense of proprioception, you can feel like the wall (or the bed, or somebody's hand, or the cat) is in the same place as your leg, transforming you into a ghost!

Without dying!

 Con #5: Small children and dogs might be afraid of you

Dogs look at me suspiciously. One of my cousins cries every time he sees my leg. Another one of them refused to hug "a robot."

Poor Gurgi...

BUT...

Pro #5: Kids might think you're some kind of awesome, part-robot thing!

My cousin Gurgi eventually came around and decided that my robot leg is the coolest thing ever. He even asked if he could wear my foot as a shoe.

Technically, the answer is yes, but don't tell him that!

Con #6: People will stare at you and ask you stupid questions

"Do you wear it to bed?" "YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF?!" "Why does your knee bend?" "Why doesn't your knee bend?" "Did it hurt?" "Can I touch it?" "Do you have a phantom limb?"

Just dance away slowly...

Pro #6: You get to make lists like this!

Seriously, like 2 people read my blog before I chopped off my leg. But now there are like 10 of you following me!

Instant internet fame!

Yes, I'm aware I used that picture twice in one post. What is your point, exactly?

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Nobody answered, so everybody moves back 1 space everybody gets to dance forward 2 spaces for funsies.

Question: How long does it take to get a bandaid from the Student Health Center?

I'm so Bored that I made another list of reasons to chop off your leg, Pt. 1

My prosthetist, T-Rex, told me the other day that the advantages of being an amputee don't outweigh the disadvantages.

Now I just have to hope he never finds this blog.

I disagree, though. Being an amputee is awesome! I've made a handy list of pros and cons so you can see for yourself. I'll start with the bad because you should always end on a high note.

but not that high...

Con #1: You don't have two "real" legs anymore.

Sure, when you become an amputee, you lose your leg forever. You can't see it, touch it, or use it. It's gone. No more walking on two real legs. Ever.

My surgeon actually told me the surgery was irreversible, in case I thought he could just sew it back on if I changed my mind.

But why worry about that? The thought of permanently losing a body part is nothing in comparison to:

Pro #1: Interchangeable sockets, possibly with sparkles!

Be honest. Haven't you ever thought, I wish I could have a tattoo on my leg? But not just one. I want a bunch of interchangeable tattoos that I can choose between each morning. With prosthetics, you can do that! Just get a bunch of sockets with different designs and change them at will. I mean, it might be pretty expensive, but so are tattoos on a real leg, and those aren't interchangeable.

Finding Nemo!

Con #2: Phantom limb pain

I'll admit, phantom limb pain is probably one of the worst feelings you will experience in your whole life. And there's next to nothing that most doctors can do about it.

This will dull the pain by making you black out during class!

But don't worry about silly stuff like phantom limb pain. Instead, think of the possibilities:

Pro #2: Customizable legs!

So maybe you're not into tattoos, but haven't you ever wanted a different leg for each activity. Maybe you want to be able to simply use a toolkit to fix a broken ankle.

No one could put him back together, but I can assemble myself!

Con #3: People constantly assume you're helpless.

Strangers will ask if they can "please help you with something!" When you're walking up stairs, people will grab your arm and almost knock you over in their creepy attempt to "help" you.

Seriously, this is offensive

 But don't let their creepiness get to you, because:

Pro #3: You can pull off your leg in public and freak people out.

This is especially poignant if you have a realistic-looking prosthetic, or if you're wearing long, loose pants, but it works no matter what. That guy you like passes by you every day without a second glance? Just take off your leg!

No! I meant take off your prosthetic leg!

There are many more amazing advantages to amputation, but I don't want to make this post too long, so be on the lookout for more posts on the topic!

Bored Game Time!

Answer: John was the only one that answered, so he gets a free drink on me sometime, and he gets to move forward 5 spaces in the board game that literally no one is playing :P

Question: What's the best ting to say to a stranger when they insist that you need help? Creative answers will win prizes! And everyone who answers gets to move forward 3 spaces. 

I'm so Bored that I (never) talked to boys

In case you don't know me, I'm really bad at talking to boys. I mean, most of my friends are boys, and I can talk to them, until I realize they're a boy, and then, communication goes right out the window.

So, after 21 years of life, I still have no idea what to say to boys, but I at least have a pretty good idea of what you should never, under any circumstances, say to a boy.

7 Deadly Phrases (Guaranteed to kill relationships or any chance of them):

1. You're a boy. I'm a girl. Let's go out.

Apparently, this is completely unromantic. It also makes you seem completely desperate.

but if the shoe fits...

 2. Dating you would be really convenient.

I mean, honestly, we've all had that thought cross our mind at some point that maybe we should just get together with that friend who's always there for us. Sure, there's no romantic attraction, but we have fun. And this whole dating thing is stressful.

"Hey, we're friends. Let's just get married for the heck of it."

3. If we dated, it would help get my mind off of that guy. 

Because what guy doesn't want to be a rebound?

Why does this picture even exist?!

4. I already dated or ruled out everyone else, and you're really my only option.

AKA, "I would gladly be with you if we were the only two survivors of the apocalypse."

Marry me so we can repopulate the Earth.

5. I'm sick of school and would rather just marry you than have to think about my future.

 "Now I'm not saying she's a gold-digger..."

...but she is

 6. I just really want babies. 

I don't think I need to explain why this is a bad idea.

but you're sounding a bit like Rumpelstiltskin...

7. I want an excuse to change my relationship status on Facebook.

Because we all know it's not true love until it's Facebook official.

And then we can have a cute couple name and basically become one person!

Bored Game Time!

Answer: The goat version of Trouble, obviously. Move forward 2 spaces if you knew this. Move back 1 space if you tried sucking up to me by saying "Green." 

Question: What's the worst thing you've ever said to a girl or boy? Discuss below and best answer gets a prize (and gets to move forward 5 spaces). 

I´m so Bored that I parodied Taylor Swift

Last night, I went to a Taylor Swift concert with Mr. Murderer (don't worry - he's a nice murderer), and so I thought today was a good time to revisit and finish my old parody of Mean.

Green, as sung by Princess Fiona


You, well you rescued me
for once in my life, thought somebody wants me


but you locked me right back up again
Got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out for being cursed
You picking on the weaker man



You can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in Duloc city
And all you're ever gonna be is green

Someday I'll be beautiful and pretty
And all you're ever gonna be is green
Why you gotta be so green?

You, with your switching sides
You're a hypocrite, can´t you see we´re both ogres

You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I´ll stay inside this house
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got chased around
With pitchforks, fire, and stones

But the cycle ends right now
'Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...


Someday I'll be living in Farquaad´s city
And all you're ever gonna be is green

Someday I'll be beautiful and pretty
And all you're ever gonna be is green
Why you gotta be so green?

And I can see you years from now in your swamp
Talking with that stupid donkey

With that same big loud opinion
But it still won´t mean a thing
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I’m ugly

But all you are is green

All you are is green
And an ogre, with a donkey, in a lonely swamp
And green, and green, and green, and green


But someday I'll be living in Duloc city
And all you're ever gonna be is green, yeah

Someday I'll be beautiful and pretty
And all you're ever gonna be is green
Why you gotta be so?..

Someday I'll be living in Farquaad´s city (Why you gotta be so?..)
And all you're ever gonna be is green (Why you gotta be so?..)
Someday I'll be beautiful and pretty (Why you gotta be so?..)
And all you're ever gonna be is green
Why you gotta be so green?

Bored Game Time!

Answer: First off, move forward 5 spaces if you got last post's answer right. The most recent answer is philosophy and neuroscience. If you know that, congrats! You're either family, friend, or creeper. Either way, go ahead and move 2 spaces forward.

Question: What is the best T-Swift parody of all time? (No, sucking up to me won't help you on this).