I'm so Bored that I made yet another "Top Ten" list

A lot of people have asked me how I'm dealing with my amputation. A lot of people have said stuff like, "Gee, you're so strong" or "I hope things get better for you soon" or "You can get through this."

"I'm sorry you can't fly."
"I'm not supposed to - I'm a penguin!"

While I appreciate people's prayers and well wishes, I would like to clear something up. Although it was a difficult decision, I did choose to get my leg amputated. Now, I know a lot of those well-wishers will read this and think, "I guess she is going to get a pretty cool prosthetic."

It is true that I'm getting a prosthetic leg, and it is true that it will be awesome (see picture above), but I don't need a leg to be happy. In fact, ever since I had my leg amputated, I've felt like a more complete version of myself than ever before. I didn't lose a part of me. I got rid of an extra leg that was keeping me from reaching my goals in life.

So, here are the top ten best things (that people might not realize) about being an amputee:

10. I get to go twice as long without washing my socks.

And I don't have to fold my socks or ever find a pair

9. It takes me less time to shave, thus cutting my shower time by a few minutes.

Which also means less shaving gel to buy

8. If I'm in a hurry, I don't have to find or put on two shoes. 

Although, my prosthetic does use a shoe, and you can't buy half a pair of shoes

7. I can sit cross legged more easily. 

Which is essential to my study habits

6. I have instant storage space in front of my chair or my seat in a car, because I don't have a leg in the way.

Which leaves room for all my snacks. 

5. I can sit sideways in a chair or car seat. 

Which is especially cool when I'm sitting next to someone. 

4. It's easier to roll over in bed or to move around in general, without the added weight of a leg. 

So I'll be an excellent blanket thief one day.
*Cartoon borrowed from Jim Nolan's Blog. Credit for cartoon goes to Isabella Bannerman.

3. I can lie flat on my back or stomach with both legs actually flat on the bed, whereas my knee had been bent for years. 

2. I can climb into the car more easily, as well as balance standing up with my residual limb on a couch/chair/bed.

I'm really not being able to explain this, and asking me to show you would be a tad creepy...

1. I get awesome muscles, and I get to lie about my leg.

Plus, I get to keep using this picture.

Bored Game Time:

Answer: Pistorius is from South Africa. If you didn't know that, go back one space. If you did, go buy yourself an ice cream cone for knowing something everyone else knows, too.

Question: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

 

I'm so Bored that I went to a thrift store

In case any of y'all don't know me, I generally shop like a dude.

"Wow, $5 was such a bargain!"

As a result of my proclivity for dude-like shopping, I really hate thrift stores. They smell bad, they're in bad parts of town, and you spend so much time just looking at stuff without any money exchanging hands. 

Yesterday, however, my sister took me thrift store shopping for plates. We did not find any plates cheap enough to be worth buying, but we did have an interesting time. 

It started with us getting lost, and then calling my dad for directions, which led to him freaking out and asking, "You're WHERE?!"

We were in the part of town where this might be considered normal, for anyone wondering.

When we finally arrived at the thrift stores, we noticed a sign on the front door which read, "Children and vulnerable adults should not be left unattended." 

Geez, Jimmy, it was just a joke. You're acting like somebody who can't be left alone at a thrift store!

Too obtuse? Moving on, then. There was another lovely sign on the door that said, "Shoplifters will receive a free ride in a police car."

Blimey, it's a competition right up me alley

Oh, come on! Don't tell me you don't recognize him. If you really don't, then I really feel sad for you, but I'm not telling you what his name is ... yet.  

As I said, we didn't find the plates, but we did find a horrible pick-up line greeting card with the title "10 Reasons You and I Should Be Together" on it. 

When one of your top ten reasons for being with someone is the low likelihood of two-headed children together, you might need to find someone new...

The one thing we my sister bought was a set of three glasses with owls on them.

Because owls are awesome, that's why. 

Bored Game Question Time:

First off, the answer is Gabby Douglas. Don't feel so bad if you didn't know it, because she didn't either. If you did know it (without cheating!), though, leap ahead 2 spaces. 

And for today's question: Who is pictured in the photograph in this post?

I'm so Bored that I lied about my leg

Today marks 5 weeks since my leg was amputated, and there has not been a single day in this entire 5 weeks in which somebody did not ask, "What happened?" or "Why?"

This happened

Of course, telling the whole story gets kinda boring after a while, plus nobody really listens to anything past """. (For anybody everybody who missed that, nobody listens past me opening my mouth - the opening quotations are in quotations ... never mind).

So, I've come up with a list of ten random (really not my top ten list at all) reasons for my leg being amputated. I will try to sort the reasons by believability, meaning that #10 would be the least believable to a random stranger, and #1 the most.

Ready?

10 Random Reasons to Amputate a Leg

10. Cancer 
For some reason, maybe because it's too boring an excuse to the average person, nobody wants to believe that cancer causes physical impairments and deformities. I've had people guess so many things, but only other cancer survivors guess cancer.

Cancer is just another word for Alopecia, right?

9. Motorcycle Accident
Unfortunately, motorcycle accidents are used as an excuse to often, so nobody would believe me.

Also, anybody who thinks I could learn to drive one of these doesn't know me very well.

8. Shark Attack

This excuse is also overused, and sharks really aren't quite as evil as people think they are.

Although this was an awesome movie!

7. I fell off a building.

This lie just seems like it would become too intricate - Which building? When? Why is there no video footage or news reports about it?

Sorry, but your fall wasn't Facebook official, so it didn't happen,

6. Giant jungle cats attacked me. 

This is basically the same story as the shark, just a little less recognizable as cliche. I mean, I could see myself losing in a fight against a mountain lion, or maybe even to a panther.

They're all fun and games until you collapse in laughter, then they pounce!

5. I am the sole survivor of a nuclear explosion.

You may wonder why this ranks higher than shark and panther attacks, but that wondering will take you a while, so I really wouldn't advise it.

Yes, I'm that awesome. My leg exploded and I just hopped away...

4. That answer is classified information/Secret Spy Mission

People don't generally believe this necessarily, but they don't really not believe it either. I mean, it's not like they're going to be able to prove I'm not a spy...

Or I could be a ninja, you'd never know!

3. I'm part of a genetic experiment

They're trying to see if having only one leg makes you smarter. 

Look! It worked!

2. I got run over by a bulldozer while playing soccer. Everyone else that got run over died, so I'm really lucky. 

I've actually had multiple people believe this exact story. There was a girl who doubted a little of what I'd said, though. Her one question was: 

How did the bulldozer [driver] not see you?!

And, drumroll please, the #1 answer, most likely to be believed by most strangers I pass on the sidewalk is:

1. What amputation? My leg just turned invisible. 

I mean, I can still feel it. It's only your perception that's changed, not mine. Just because my leg's not real to you doesn't mean it can't be real to me.

Ghost, invisible - tomato, tomato

Do you have a better lie for me to tell people about my amputation? Comment below! Best lie will receive a prize!

Update: I forgot to answer the question from last post. It is snickerdoodle, for anyone who didn't know. In case there is anybody actually playing my game, you may move forward one space. 

I know I owe you a question as well, so: Who was the first American woman gymnast to win a gold medal in both the team and individual all-around events at the Olympics? 

Also, congrats to Emily. I know that no one else has submitted a lie yet, but I'm afraid you won't be able to give me an excuse I like better than being splinched. So, Emily, what's your favorite dessert? (Unless you would for some reason prefer a cross-stitch design, a friendship bracelet, or a pillow - those are the only things I know how to make...)