I'm so Bored that I said (and was told) a lot of weird stuff

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Especially if you just survived organic chemistry!

This year, I'm extremely grateful for a lot of things in my life, especially people. Specifically, I'm grateful for the crazy things people say, along with the crazy things I get to say.

The following are a list of things I said or heard said to me in 2012 which I had never said (or heard said to me) before. I know this post might be more suited to New Year's Eve, but in the Catholic Church, New Year's already came and passed, so here goes:

1. Where is my leg?

Seriously, I keep losing it around the house

2. You tripped me in absentia!

Said by my mother after she tripped over my foot...At least she found my leg!

3. Why is there ______ in my leg?

The blank can be filled with "coke," "a shoe," or any number of other things

4. You've got three feet!

It's technically true

5. I'm not wearing my leg either!

Said by my younger brother after my mom brought me my plate because I wasn't wearing my leg.

6. Can you put your leg on in the car?

Only if I have a fairy Godmother

7. I would like hemmed tights for Christmas.

I need one of the legs cut off. 

8. Did they let you look at your leg after surgery?

Totes def. We had a funeral service for it...

9. I accidentally turned my knee sideways.

Also, "yeah, he just duct-taped my knee back straight."

10. You can't sit there. It's reserved for people with disabilities.

Event staff member at the football game didn't believe I was disabled. 

I had a lot more of these earlier, but I have forgotten them, and now I'm going to go snitch some fudge from the kitchen. 

Merry Christmas again!

Bored Game Time!

Answer: 3. And 2 of them were mine. Stinker. Move forward 1 space if you agree.

Question: How many bracelets/other things am I wearing on my wrists right now?

I'm so Bored that I made a lot of dumb excuses

This post is extremely overdue, but I had to wait at least a few months before mocking myself so thoroughly. You see, in the month in between deciding to amputate my leg and actually doing this:

I managed to use it again! Success!

I came up with a lot of reasons why I should totes keep my leg. The problem is, they were all exceedingly dumb.

"People might think I'm actually a pirate!"

Here, in no specific order, were 5 of my dumbest reasons for wanting to keep my leg:

1. So I could wiggle my toes

You can already tell that this is going to be ridiculous, I'm sure. Ever since I was little, though, I had always been able to move the pinky toe on my right foot independently of my other toes, a feat I had never managed with my left foot.

And somehow that ability was essential to my happiness all of a sudden

2. Because I wanted to straighten my knee

My knee had been stuck bent since I was 12 years old, and I really wanted to straighten it, mostly because I didn't remember what that felt like.

What good is dancing if I can't straighten my knee?

3. I wanted to be able to complain to my surgeon about my skin graft in a couple years.

For anyone who doesn't know, I had a skin graft on my right leg, which conveniently vanished as a result of my amputation. The only problem is that my plastic surgeon had promised me the scar was going to fade within 10 years of my surgery, and it was becoming very evident that this was not true.

And the entire leg disappearing does NOT count as the scar fading

4. I had an irrational fear that piggyback rides would be impossible with one leg

If you don't understand why piggyback rides are an essential part of life, you've obviously never been to camp.

Or hung out with my family

5. I really wanted to know if that spot was a freckle

This is probably the dumbest of all reasons. I had a weird spot on the bottom of my right foot, and I couldn't tell if it was a splinter that had melded with my skin or a really weirdly shaped freckle.

And knowing my proclivity for injuring myself, it was probably a splinter

I meant to ask my surgeon to figure out what it was after he amputated my leg, but I forgot. I'm fairly certain he would have just "forgotten" to check, anyway.

So, there is my list of dumb excuses to keep my leg. As you can see, none of them were enough to dissuade me from amputation. After all, my pros and cons list looked something like this:

Pros	Cons
Better life	loss of lame parlor trick
No crutches	tired of having bent knee
Running	curiosity
SPAIN	won't get to complain
less recovery time	Possibly fewer piggy back rides
fun
cool technology
no more surgery

Oh, by the way, I can wiggle the toes on my left foot, I can bend and straighten my phantom knee a little, I get piggy-back rides all the time, that surgeon probably doesn't remember me, and seriously, it doesn't matter whether that spot was a freckle.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: I really don't know what I was going to say. If you said either Wreck It Ralph or The Hobbit, move forward 1 space. If you've seen The Hobbit, though, don't spoil it!

Question: How many fish has my little brother's cat eaten?

I'm so Bored that I did a Q&A

Some of these are pretty old, and some of them I have no recollection of who actually asked them, but they have been asked. So, here goes:

1. Are you getting a prosthetic leg?

No. I thought it would be fun to hop everywhere for the rest of my life. 

It's the planet Earth calling. Can you hear me?

2. Does your knee bend?

Absolutely not. That's too fancy. All those amazing stories you see of people climbing Mt. Everest and doing other cool stuff with prosthetics?

We all use peg legs!

3.  Why does your knee need to bend?

There's actually no good reason. Humans can walk just as well with peg legs. You should try it sometime. 

Aaargh, what blimey use is the human musculature system?

4. Can you get discounts on shoes now?

Of course! I prefer walking without a shoe on my prosthetic foot, because it creates a limping effect. And when I explain this to people, they gladly sell me one shoe for half the price of the pair. 

I also get discounted pants since one of the legs is superfluous

.

5. I'm worried that you're not going to be a fast enough walker by the time you go to Spain. Have you considered taking a bike with you?

That's an excellent idea! I don't have enough time to increase my walking speed in the next month, so instead I should buy a bike, get somebody to make me a biking socket for my leg, and then get somebody to teach me how to ride a bike in the next month.

Or maybe Santa can just bring me a hovercraft for Christmas!

6. If you married another amputee, would your children be born with only one leg?

Congratulations! You're definitely going to pass genetics. Although, really, there's only a 1 in 4 chance that would happen, since the amputee gene is recessive. However, if I became a double amputee and married another one, then yes, all our children would also be born without legs. 

And if we dye our hair blue, our children will be born with blue hair!

 Have a question you'd like answered? Send it to me and I will answer it completely truthfully.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: The Slitheen. Move forward two spaces if you are a Whovian.

Question: What is the best movie in theaters right now?

I'm so Bored that I hid behind a mailbox

Well, exams are finished, and I'm finally back home.

I still have over a month until I leave for Spain, though, so in the meantime, I'm walking.

And walking.

And walking.

Anyway, today I walked down the street a couple times, and the second time, I decided to get a picture of a house with some neat Christmas lights.

Shut up! Christmas lights are hard to photograph!

As I was about to snap the picture, though, a lady opened the door of the house and saw me. Being a sensible human being, who obviously is aware that everyone takes pictures of Christmas lights, I

hid behind a stone mailbox, of course.

The woman didn't stop staring at me, so I decided to act nonchalant. I continued walking down the street, hiding my phone from view.

Just in case she figured out that I was ¡taking a picture of her Christmas lights!

Finally, she got in her car and drove away, so I took the picture and hurried home.

Too much excitement for one day.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Developmental neuroscience. If you guessed that because it was the previous answer and you're unoriginal, move forward a space. If you know the topic for the paper, move back 1 space for being a creeper or for calling me narcissistic (unless you're my Lovaaah, in which case move forward 3 spaces because you're awesome like that). 

Question: What family of aliens invades Earth and steals government officials' skin in Doctor Who?

I'm so Bored that I developed an allergy to cocoa butter

When I first got my new leg, Show-off suggested that it would be easier to put on if I covered my residual limb in cocoa butter.

Yes, we have very odd conversations sometimes

Anyway, when I got my socket on my leg replaced last week, it was pretty tight, so I decided to give the cocoa butter a shot.

Apparently, Dr. Pepper has a marketing campaign in the UK with this as the slogan...

Of course, I got way too much of the stuff on my hands, so I ended up covering both my legs and arms in cocoa butter, which would be fine, except that a few hours later, I looked like this:

Well, except that I wasn't bald, and I have hands and a foot, and I don't think I own any blue dresses...

 So, if anybody wants any cocoa butter, I have a whole container you can keep.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Developmental Neuroscience. Move forward 1 space if you were right.

Question: For what class did I just finish writing a paper?

I'm so Bored that I listened to Gotye

This is probably because I'm crazy, but when I hear this song:

I imagine my leg saying, "You didn't have to cut me off."

I mean, my leg and I had a pretty long history together. We'd been together as long as I can remember, and I spent 11 years letting my life revolve around that limb, so I'd be pretty mad at me if I were my leg.

For the record, though, I gave my leg a proper goodbye:

My sister drew that with Sharpies!

All my friends at camp signed it goodbye.

So, just saying, my leg doesn't really have any room to complain. 

And even if it wanted to, it can't, because it's dead.

And I don't miss it.

Sorry I'm not sorry

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Spanish short story final paper. You can move forward a space if you were reading my blog and thus procrastinating with me.

Question: What test am I supposed to be studying for right now instead of writing this blog post?

I'm so Bored that I walked to Qdoba

For anyone who doesn't know, I've been walking without my crutches for nearly 4 weeks now.

But no, I have not been climbing Everest...yet

Well, on Saturday, Show-off decided that I didn't need my scooter anymore. 

That's right, Herbie. Apparently, you're obsolete.

So, I gave Show-off the key to Herbie and decided to try going the rest of the semester without my beloved scooter.

Yo, I totally gots this

Except that I don't totally gots this ... As is evidenced by my trip to Qdoba, campus is way too big. 

So, to preface this, I should say that I wasn't trying to go to Qdoba. I was trying to go to a University Catholic party that started at 5:30. 

I left High Land at 4, hoping that an hour and a half would be sufficient time to walk that far. 

40 minutes later, I had made it down the street, but I wasn't even on main campus yet. 

And this is about how I felt.

I stopped and got some vitamin water, then continued on my way. Around 6 p.m., I was about two blocks away from my destination, when I fell on the sidewalk, where I sat for about 30 minutes. 

While I complained to Show-off and my foot fell asleep, so when I got up, I fell over again. 

I'm pretty sure my foot fell asleep on purpose.

I realized it was too late to go to the party, so I changed course and walked to Qdoba, where I scarfed down tacos for 15 minutes before hitting the road again. 

Seriously, y'all? I only had 3 tacos.

I walked back to campus and made my way to the chapel for 9 p.m. Mass, then I collapsed. 

But not literally. I actually just sat down. 

And I got a friend to get the spare key for Herbie out of my room and bring me my scooter after Mass.

So, yeah, I'm really slow at walking, so I've given up on trying to make it to class without Herbie.

But this isn't really a confession, because Show-off doesn't read my blog. 

Because he's a unicorn.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: 

hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia, because the people who make up words are cruel. If you knew this, you're probably one of those cruel people, so go back one space.

Question:

What paper am I supposed to be writing right now instead of blogging?

I'm so Bored that I made fun of a Rogaine ad

This ad keeps popping up on Hulu, and I can't stand it anymore. I have to complain.



So, I'm just going to go through it point by point:

1. Skeptical

Why are key words from each of his sentences displayed next to him? Do they really think people can't understand that he was skeptical unless the word "skeptical" is floating next to him? I know, I know, it's a marketing technique, but I'm never impressed by someone who assumes I am an idiot.

2. Girlfriend noticed

What kind of claim is this? Even his girlfriend noticed? Are girlfriends supposed to be notoriously oblivious? Did everyone else notice he was growing hair, but his girlfriend didn't? I'd be way more impressed if it said "The hobo I pass on the way to work noticed."

3. 85% 

So, there's a 15% chance that it won't work? Awesome!

4. Nearly 9 out of 10 guys

Does that mean it was actually 8 out of 10 guys?

5. Starting to see more hair

Note that he doesn't say that he sees more hair on his own head. He could just be checking out more girls, since obviously his girlfriend wouldn't notice if he did.

6. Up to 42%

So, you could be saving anywhere between 0 and 42%? Awesome again!

7. Where are the before photos?

He's claiming he regrew hair, but I don't see any photos of him without it, just saying.

Ok, enough griping. Back to watching Desperate Housewives studying for exams.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Silence will fall. If you didn't know, move back one space. If you asked somebody for the answer, move back 3 spaces for helping Silence to fall. 

Question: What is the fear of big words called? 

I'm so Bored that I became a Spaniard

No, this is not referring to the fact that I am studying abroad in Spain next semester, although I will definitely be talking about that a lot in the future. No, right now, I'm talking about World War II.

No, you're not alone. He can't believe it either.

To preface this, I need to remind you that Show-off has been helping me to learn how to walk.

Because of this, remember?

Anyway, he told me the other day that I was a nazi, because I was walking with my knee straight.

I am not this bad...

He said that if I were American, I would bend my leg when I walked.

I wanted to find a picture of Americans not bending their knees, but apparently, they always did...

He also has been trying to get me to practice walking up stairs.

Without a baby, though

So, I'm assuming that, in Show-off's mind, there's a correlation between WWII nationality and stair climbing.

A Nazi would use the rail, because they're cowardly, while an American would walk step over step without the rail:

However, all of this forgets that Allies and Axis countries such as America and Germany were not the only countries around during World War II.

There was Spain.

In case you're racking your brains trying to remember what side Spain was on in WWII, they weren't. Spain was recovering from a civil war, had recently fallen under the control of Franco, and had no resources, so they didn't enter the war.

So, in honor of the country where I will be studying next semester, here is the (WWII era) Spanish way to go up or down stairs:

1. Take off leg. 

I'm not getting involved in this fight.

2. Scoot up or down the stairs. It's a lot faster.

Plus, I can't imagine Hitler ever scooting down a flight of stairs.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Check last post. 

Question: What will happen when the question is asked?