I'm so Bored that I gave writing lessons to the blogosphere: Lesson 3

If you haven't read lesson 1 and lesson 2, go read them first.

So you've gathered some life experience and you've decided on a basic format - short story, poem, etc. So, how do you actually write?

Well, of course that depends on which format you chose during lesson 2. I'm just going to assume that nobody chose autobiography (mostly because I have no idea how to write one of those).

First, let's cover short stories/novels (which are basically the same thing except different).

Here are 5 easy steps to creating the perfect story:

1. Make your main character.

Describe your main character. What's their name? What's their favorite type of candy? Do they live with their parents? Do they like Nickelback? Are they really just you because you don't know how to create a new character? Write down all the really important details.

Once upon a time, there was a very short person named Bored. Bored was 21 years old and really liked gummi bears and cats.

2. Create a second character. 

This second character can be a person, an animal, or even an object. Make sure that they are not the same as your main character. If you want to sell your story to teenage girls, you should probably make sure that the second character is some sort of monster.

One day, Bored met a two-headed monster named George. George really likes to dance. His age doesn't matter because he's immortal.

3. Describe the happy times.

This is when you set up your world. Maybe your characters fall madly in love with each other. Maybe they just become best friends and eats lots of cookies together (if you'd read my attempts at children's literature, that would make sense). Make your reader fall in love with the characters and their world.

Bored and George had lots of fun together. They liked to kidnap babies to keep in their baby collection. After only one month together, they'd kidnapped all of the babies in town.

4. CRUSH THE HAPPINESS. CRUSH IT. 

Nobody wants to read your story about how your characters are always happy, because readers want to feel superior to characters, and we can't go on power trips about the awesomeness of our own lives if your characters' lives are better. SO RUIN THEIR LIVES!

One day, Bored took one of the babies out of the case and was looking at it, but she dropped it! The baby collection was ruined, and George was furious.

5. Resolve the conflict.

Of course, you can't just leave the reader hanging without knowing how something ends. We want the characters to suffer, but we also want happy endings. That way, we can pretend that our own lives will have some sort of magical happy ending. So now, just resolve the conflict in the way that causes the most happiness for your characters.

Then George ate Bored, and he was like, "Nom, nom, nom."

THE END.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Everything except autobiography. If you would like to read some of my poetry and short stories, you can download a badly formatted book of them FOR FREE. If you knew the answer, move forward 1 space. If you downloaded my book, move forward 15 spaces, because I love you.

Question: How do you say "to pitch a fit" in Spanish?

I'm so Bored that I gave writing lessons to the blogosphere: Lesson 2

Now that you've gathered some life experience, it's time to choose your writing format.

So, what are you going to write?

An autobiography

This is what you write when you're incredibly Bored and have no imagination, so rather than continue to have fascinating life experiences, you sit down somewhere and write them all down without changing anything.

Or maybe you just write them down without ever having any...

Basically, nobody wants to read this, and the only people who will read it are 3rd graders who are forced into it for a school project and will hate you forever.

A novel

Maybe you're incredibly Bored but have a wonderful imagination. Write a novel. It will take you forever and you'll want to rip your hair out 5 million times before you're finished, but if and when you do finish, you'll have a work of art that will be appreciated by generations to come.

Until someone makes a movie of it and completely misrepresents everything you spent so much time writing

A short story

This is what you want to write if you have an incredible imagination but you don't have the time to devote to a novel (or if you're hoping that your story will never become a full-length film fiasco).

Haha, sorry. There's no avoiding Hollywood.

Poetry

Who needs things like plot, character development, or proper syntax or grammar? Not poets. If you'd rather just let your emotions flow straight onto the paper without worrying about any of that (how do you objectively define poetry, anyway?) or if you like to purposely play with the power of words by inserting all kinds of figurative language and plays on words, then write a poem. Or write 20.

Nobody will read it, but then again, it's safe from Hollywood!

Blog post

 Do you have the attention span of a fly? Do you want people to believe you have imagination when you really don't? Are you beyond the point of even caring about your writing style as long as you get to post links on your Facebook wall?

Welcome to the 21st century of writers. You should be a blogger.

We is the kings of the writers because we is so clever.

 Bored Game Time!

Answer: Don Quijote. Move forward 3 spaces if you knew that, even though it probably means you're a creepy stalker.

Question: Which of the above writings formats do I use in my writing? 

I'm so Bored that I treated people like human beings

Ok, so that title sounded a bit harsh, I admit. But seriously, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people need a guide on how to treat people with disabilities like human beings. (And I'm not even going into the pointless nature of the word "disabilities" right now). 

I know...it would help you see me as a human being if I didn't draw myself like this.

1. Conversations start with hello.

If I don't you, my life history is none of your business. 

It is NOT OK to walk up to a stranger and say, "What happened?"

So say it with me now, all together.

2. I probably don't need help. 

I may look unsteady on my feet. I may look clumsy. But I know what I'm doing, even if it's different than how you would do something.

Unless I am obviously in immediate danger or I explicitly ask for your help, I don't need your help.

In a lot of situations, even asking if I need help is creepy.

He needs help, not me.

3. There is not a secret disabilities club.

I mean, there are groups and organizations. But I don't automatically know every person with a physical disability (or with any other kind of disability).

No, I will not instantly bond with your friend because they use crutches or a wheelchair.

No, we don't already know each other through some secret network.

This picture has nothing to do with this point. I just haven't used it in this post yet.

4. I am not a child.

Some people with disabilities are children. And you can therefore treat them like children.  But personally, I am 21 years old. I do not need your patronizing protection. I do not need you to cover my ears to "protect my innocence."

And if you think I'm innocent simply because I have a disability, my response, in true Southern style, is just, "Aww, sweetie."

Please, just grow up already.

5. I am not stupid. 

If you tell me, "It must have been so hard for you to get into a top 20 university with a disability," I start to wonder how you got into the same university as me.

Believe it or not, I coasted through high school. I got into a top 20 university because I was valedictorian and scored a 35 on the ACT. My disabilities had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Making assumptions about people's intelligence is ignorant and idiotic. Don't do it.

This man has accomplished something. Go be amazed at what he did instead.

I could keep going, but I feel like people stop reading after number five on how-to lists.

Bored Game Time!

Answer: Hemingway. Move back 2 spaces if you're boring enough to know what Hemingway looks like.

Question: What book am I currently in the middle of reading?