I'm so Bored that I played bored games

Ok, so most of you are probably going all grammar drama queen on me right now. "YOU MEAN BOARD GAMES!" Actually, I do not. I mean bored games. You see, in Boredom, there is only one type of game allowed, although there are lots of different games in this category. These "bored" games are the kind of game that no one would ever even consider playing unless they were either extremely Bored or chromosomally defective (read: male).

For a game to qualify as a bored game, it usually has to be something entirely left to chance.  Take, for instance, the Gamecube Monopoly Party game.  In this game, up to 4 players can play simultaneously, all mashing the A button continuously.  The screen will attempt to tell you what's happening, but probably won't be able to keep up with the speed of gameplay, so you'll never even have any clue what's happening until the screen announces "Player 1 is the winner!"

There's a very simple way to test whether a game is pure chance.  If a monkey, a 2 year-old human, and you are playing, but you have no idea who is going to win, it's probably a game of chance.

OMG, I won!!! Who's unevolved now, suckas?!

Of course, there is another way for a game to qualify as a bored game, and this is if the game requires strategy, but the strategy involved is so mindnumbingly complex that no has ever actually figured out how to win the game.

My uncle, when asked, "How long does this game normally take?" responded, "Oh, we've never actually finished it before."

So, the game I was playing today should not be classified as a bored game by the typical requirements, since the rules are straightforward and more than chance is involved, but with my family it most certainly is a bored game.  Good, old-fashioned, bloody, take-no-prisoners Monopoly.

This is the first time my family had attempted to play Monopoly in years, and for good reason.  Every single game my family has ever attempted of this game in living memory (so, at least the last couple decades), has resulted in at least one major fight, usually an all-out brawl.  Like the ridiculous game above, we have never actually completed a full game, as far as I can remember.

Generally, the brawl starts with an accusation of treachery.

"Bored is embezzling from the bank!"

The accuser then runs out of the room, followed closely by their supporters.

Dad runs out, angry that kids have run out of the room during family game night.

My sister takes to her room, realizing the fight has started and there is likely no return.

Mom leaves to convince everyone to be nice to each other.

I am left staring at the game, all by myself.

But, how could I have embezzled? We haven't even opened the box yet...

Today, however, I learned another possible outcome of playing Monopoly.

No, I'm not talking about the fact that we tried to play Occupy Monopoly.  This is the version of Monopoly whereby you kick the richest person out of the game, confiscate their money and property, and divide it equally amongst all the players.

This was not even the original version of Occupy Monopoly.  The original version was something my dad suggested - alloting all money and property equally and then setting limits on how much you were allowed to own.

But, Daddy, how do you win?

My dad vetoed actually playing any version of Occupy Monopoly, so that's not what the outcome to which I'm referring. Besides, that version wouldn't be a bored game, because it wouldn't be a game...

My little brother, however, can turn Monopoly into a bored game, simply by adding rules.

Dad - "Pay me $750. You landed on my property."

My little brother - "No, I'm going to attack your houses with my battleship. First, I roll to determine whether your house has been hit, then I roll again to assess damage."

I'm not exactly sure what game he stole that rule from.  For all I know, he made it up right then. After all, this is the child who could stack an UNO deck behind his back when he was a toddler.

"I have all the mean cards!"

Either way, Monopoly is now confusing my brain. My little brother is trying to engage in open warfare, and Dad somehow has more $500 bills than my entire net worth, which includes Boardwalk with 4 houses on it...

Bored or not, I quit.